Dinner Parties – Don’t Be That Guest!
Few things make me feel more triumphant than hosting a successful dinner party. My endorphins rise to unheard of levels as I read texts, emails, and thank you notes from guests complimenting me and my husband on the food and a fun evening of merriment. My euphoria from those sentiments will linger for days as I savor the memory of overcoming the Herculean task of entertaining.
Hosting a dinner party, though, can be a paradoxical experience. They bring together the warmth of gathering of friends and family, but at the same time, be the source of great consternation and anxiety. Despite all of the thoughtfulness and time put into the activities, décor, and menu, now and then there’s that guest who challenges my calm nature and makes me want to administer my own Xanax drip. Please, don’t be that guest!
Not wanting to be responsible for the death of any of my guests nor for placing their chance of obtaining a ticket into the Promised Land in jeopardy, with every accepted invitation, I inquire about food allergies and religious observances. Once those restrictions pass clearance, I inquire about food dislikes, phobias, or ethical restrictions. The canned response from virtually every guest is – “Oh, I eat everything.” That’s a lie. Even if one doesn’t have food allergies or religious restrictions, no one on this planet likes everything. I am about as close to a person who likes everything as one can get, but even I dislike one common food – green peppers (see Chapter 5). I know this is not true of most people, and I always call out those who claim to have no dislikes, and they eventually succumb to my pressure and fess up by listing two or three items that they won’t eat. I often hear that they don’t like liver and onions. Who even eats liver and onions anymore, let alone serves it at a dinner party? No, that one doesn’t count – what else ya got? Guests are graded on their full and complete answers to my clearance questions. Let’s just say there are quite a few “F”s in my grade book. Nothing frustrates a host more than a guest who isn’t forthcoming about their food idiosyncrasies. Virtually every host will accommodate guests’ quirks if given ample warning. Dinner hosts are typically creative people who want their guests to be filled with happiness and satiated with food they enjoy, otherwise they wouldn’t be in the hosting business.
For some reason, some folks believe that it is impolite to express their culinary dislikes or to put any restrictive burdens on the host. I had one such guest who insisted that she ate everything and that she would be happy with anything put in front of her. Although I suspected that she wasn’t being particularly forthcoming, I felt fairly confident that she would enjoy one of my best crowd-pleaser recipes, “Chicken with Red Pepper Cream Sauce” for the main entrée. As all of the bowls and platters were being passed around family-style, I noticed that she only took the side vegetables and orzo. I asked her why she passed up on the entrée and she shyly replied, “I’m lactose intolerant.” The screaming inside my head could have been heard within a two-mile radius!
I never go to a dinner party empty handed and most guests live by that same mantra. But as a guest, always clear with the host what you plan to bring. Remember, the host knows about all of the other guests idiosyncrasies, allergies, etc.. If the host insists that you not bring anything for the meal, then don’t! She may have a very carefully planned and timed meal, so bringing your Aunt Mary’s famous gorgonzola and arugula crostini that must be assembled at the last minute and baked at 400 degrees for 20 minutes may not be feasible and could cause an anxiety attack. Remember, sharp knives will be within reach of the host.
As the old adage goes, timing is everything. If the invitation is for 7:00pm, guests should arrive fashionably late, but not past 7:15pm. But a tardy guest does not cause a host anxiety as much as an early guest. So, unless you want to be launched into the next world ahead of schedule, do not arrive early! One time, I was just putting the final touches on some canapes, when the doorbell rang. I beckoned my husband and asked him to answer the door, thinking it was probably a UPS delivery. When I heard Joel greeting guests, I panicked. I stealthily snuck into a dark room hidden from the foyer and waited until the coast was clear before I ran up the stairs to the bedroom. I hadn’t combed my hair all day, nor put any makeup on and, I was covered in flour and various traces of food from a long day of cooking and cleaning. There was no way I was going to face my guests with remnants of the dinner I was about to serve covering my clothing.
I always wait until the last half hour to get myself ready so that I don’t risk spilling on my party attire and so that my make is fresh. Doesn’t everyone do that? Even if you come with altruistic intentions of surprising the hostess with the intention of relieving his/her burden by helping to prepare the party, don’t. Just don’t. No good deed goes unpunished and you never know what that punishment might be when you stress out a host a surprise appearance.
Then, there’s always those overly disciplined friends who decide to go on the latest fad diet days before your dinner party. “Oh, I forgot to tell you about my new diet. I am restricted to eating only tree bark from a remote village in Samoa and the milk of Himalayan mountain goats for the next two weeks. But, no worries, I brought my own food.” I have discovered a simple solution to this problem. Get new friends.
So, if you don’t want to have to reestablish an entirely new social circle, abide by a few simple guidelines.
Tips for Hosts:
1. Ask your guests to be honest about their food preferences. Give them permission to be impolite. Or, invest in a lot of aspirin.
2. Advise your guests of the meal plan. Make adjustments as necessary.
3. If your guests insist on bringing something, ask them to bring a bottle of wine or a pre-approved dessert. No disruption in the rhythm of your preparation will occur.
Tips for Guests:
1. Be honest and complete with your quirks. And, don’t say you don’t like liver and onions – it’s already well established that nobody does.
2. Do not bring your own diet food. Reschedule when you have regained your sanity.
3. Arrive fashionably late and never early.
4. Do not bring anything that needs to be cooked, cooled, or heated. The ovens, freezer, refrigerator are likely already over-burdened, and knife drawers are full.
5. Don’t Be That Guest!